The Family You Always Dreamed Of

The following episode contains graphic depictions of childbirth and miscarriage. Listener discretion is advised. 

 

[Music plays]

 

PETINA DIXON-JENKINS: 

I thought I was going to be a mom of two. And I wanted that life really badly for myself. I felt like this was taken from me… I was supposed to have this life. So I was determined to try and have a family.

 

I’m Petina Dixon-Jenkins, and this is my Unspoken Story.

 

TATYANA ALI: 

Welcome to Unspoken Stories – real stories of pregnancy, parenthood, and loss. So often these stories go unshared. But not anymore. Now, it’s time for us to raise our voice and share our truth.

 

I’m Tatyana Ali. I have a son at home who is 2 and a half, and another baby on the way. When I first got pregnant, I had no idea what was coming… and to be honest I was scared. Birth was something mysterious that happened behind a curtain.

 

So when my son’s birth didn’t go as planned, I was not only traumatized… I didn’t think I could talk about it. You know, I kept it all inside. 

 

But recently, I opened up to a few of my close friends and the flood gates opened – their stories came pouring out. I realized, I would have healed a lot faster if my husband and I had just opened our mouths.

 

So, I wanted to talk to other moms and dads about their experiences, because stories have the power to connect, heal, and inspire.

 

Today we meet Petina. She’s got two little ones at home.

 

PETINA:

I have a four-year-old daughter and a two year old son.  My daughter’s name is Avery. She’s a very similar personality to mine, so that’s a big challenge to me. [laughs] 

 

She thinks about things before she says them a lot and will come up with logical conclusions, like, if I threaten to throw away the ice cream because she tried to get some on her own, she will tell me, “Why don’t you just let me eat it before you put it in the garbage? Since you’re gonna throw it out anyway.” Like, this is how her little mind works. So she’s a challenge.

 

TATYANA:

Once her not-so-little brother Sullivan got added to the mix, things got interesting…

 

PETINA:

They love each other – they have each other’s back. But they will battle. [laughs] Somebody picks up the remote. The other one needs the remote at that very time, then they fight over it.

 

But if anybody says anything about the other, like… they have two older cousins, and if an older cousin seems to be picking on one of them or saying anything bad about the other one, they defend their sibling. Like, instantaneously and fully. So I think growing up they will probably be close and have each other’s back.

 

[Music]

 

TATYANA:

Now, Petina’s got the family she’s always dreamt about having: raising a couple kids in Evanston, a college town right outside Chicago.

 

PETINA:

Evanston is a great place to grow up. My sister and I were both born and raised here. We’re very close. We went to private school in Evanston – a really tiny private school in Evanston – and it’s only about 10 to 12 miles from downtown Chicago. So, you’re really close to the city, you still get authentic neighborhoods, authentic food, but you kind of live in this diverse suburban life.

 

TATYANA:

It was the best of both worlds, and she got to share it all with her sister. They were only two years apart.

 

But their mom and dad grew up in Jamaica, and actually started their family there…

 

PETINA:

My mom’s name is Hazel. She’s 70. She had my brother while she was still in Jamaica. She’s kind of on the young side, she and my dad, and then had two other children – two other sons, actually – that were also born premature, and did not survive.

 

She had referred to them as miscarriages. But in talking to her a little bit more it sounds like both were early births, and neither boy survived. And those were my two, or who would have been my two, older brothers.

 

I think she was from an era where it wasn’t uncommon to suffer, you know, birth trauma or baby loss, and you just kind of kept it to yourself. And that’s just what happened.

 

TATYANA:

But when it came to her and her sister, Petina’s mom was much more open about being pregnant with them. In fact, the story is something of family lore now.

 

PETINA:

She would talk about how, when she was on bed rest, she learned how to play the piano. She took up needlepoint. She did all of these things during this time that she was supposed to be in bed and be at home, so that we could make it to full term. It was never a secret, it was always just part of our consciousness that this was something that had happened to her and this was our reality. This is the reason why we’re here, is because she had to go on bed rest and go through all of this to get a successful pregnancy.

 

[Music]

 

TATYANA:

Her sister was the first one to get pregnant. At first, everything seemed normal, but about 6 months in…

 

PETINA:

She ended up feeling like she had contractions. She went to the local hospital here and saw somebody who said, “Maybe you should go on bed rest. I think maybe you could work from home.”

 

TATYANA:

The ER doctor suggested bed rest, and staying at home – a familiar prescription. But when she asked her OB, she got a very different response.

 

PETINA:

The doctor laughed it off and was like, “Why? Why would you go on bed rest? You know, you’re 24 weeks or whatever, that doesn’t make sense. You’re not contracting. Don’t worry about it. That’s so extreme.” And sent her back on her merry way.

 

[Music]

 

TATYANA:

She went back to her normal routine, commuting back and forth for work every day. But not long after, she felt the same pain again and went back to the hospital.

 

PETINA:

And they said that she was in labor. When she got there, they inverted her hospital bed, so she was essentially laying on her back with her feet above her head. For a couple days.

 

I went to the hospital to see her. Packed a little kit for her from home because she was not expecting to be in the hospital. [laughs] We always laugh about it. She was really excited to get her, like, headscarf to be able to tie up her hair, because she wasn’t able to do her hair for like three days. So she’s really excited to get that. So, I went to visit her in the hospital and she was still laying with her feet elevated in hopes of keeping the baby long enough to get at least surfactant, or any kind of treatment to help his lungs develop for when, you know, inevitably he would be born.

       

I went home that night – I said I’d come back in the morning – and by morning, her son was born. He was only two pounds, two ounces. His little feet were like the size of the tip of my index finger. I mean, he was just a tiny, tiny little guy.

 

He was fully intubated, he couldn’t breathe on his own. So he’s on a ventilator. He was under blue lights, because he had jaundice. And it seemed like the news was bad every couple days. They told us that he may not be able to walk. They needed to do laser surgery on his eyes because his eyes weren’t developed enough to have good vision. And the only way we could touch him was in putting our hands inside the incubator, because he had to remain in there at first.

 

TATYANA:

But the family rallied around him.

 

PETINA:

Even though the diagnosis, the prognosis, was not good for him, we never thought, “Okay, this baby’s not going to make it.”

 

[Music]

 

TATYANA:

They visited him in the hospital every day. Nearly 3 months passed… and slowly, he grew bigger.

 

PETINA:

They said he had to reach this threshold of being five pounds before he could come home. So all the time we were waiting to see, is he five pounds? Is he five pounds?

 

I was looking at the pictures a few weeks ago of that day that we brought him home. I’m holding him and he’s so, so, so tiny, but for all of us, he felt so big. Like, he was finally five pounds – he’s so big, he’s such a big kid. And looking back at it, it’s completely surreal.

 

TATYANA:

Petina and her husband wanted kids, too. But her first pregnancy was unexpected, in ways that were unfathomable.

 

She initially went to the hospital because she thought she had the stomach flu.

 

PETINA:

They always ask, “Is there a possibility you could be pregnant?” I’m like, “I don’t think so.” 

 

But you know, they tested and it showed up positive but my levels were lower than they expected. So, they’re like, “You’re pregnant, but you’re miscarrying.” So, I found out that I was miscarrying. I found out I was miscarrying the same time I found out I was pregnant. Basically.

 

I think I had maybe an hour of joy before they got the numbers and they were like, “It’s too low. You’re actually miscarrying.”

 

[Music]

 

As I’m finding all of this out, there was a doctor that said, “Let’s get you in and do a D&C so that you can, you know, the miscarriage can be finalized.”

 

TATYANA:

A D&C is the surgery to scrape the uterus of lining and placenta after a miscarriage, to lessen the pain of heavy bleeding. But, it doesn’t ease the heartache.

 

PETINA:

And I was like, “Wait, hold up, I just found this out. Like, can I get a second? What is this? What does it mean? Tell me what would be happening to me.” 

 

And I kind of got this, you know, “Are you going to do it or not?” And I was like, “Don’t do anything to me. I’m going to go home, and I’m going to let this take its course on its own. If my body is miscarrying, let me miscarry.”

 

TATYANA:

She went home to miscarry on her own. It was extraordinarily painful. 

 

PETINA:

Way more painful than I thought it was going to be… way more painful than I thought it was going to be. It was like my worst period times 1000.

 

TATYANA:

But even after all that, she still had to get the D&C. That’s when they realized she had fibroids – growths that can develop in a woman’s uterus and can cause heavy periods, back pain, and sometimes preterm labor.

 

PETINA:

I asked my doctor at the time about the fibroids and whether she thought that that might have something to do with me getting pregnant and miscarrying.

 

TATYANA:

She got what’s called a hysterosalpingogram. 

 

PETINA:

They put ink in your uterus and your fallopian tubes to see whether the fibroids are blocking any tubes, or blocking anything in the uterus. And they said everything seemed okay. 

 

TATYANA:

They kind of wrote it off…

 

PETINA:

Miscarriages happen all the time. Nobody ever really talks about it. But, it’s common. So I took that and said, “All right, fine.”

 

[Music]

  

I was pretty bummed about the miscarriage. I was at a point in my life where I wanted to start my family. And even though I only knew for a little bit, I was like, “Oh, we could have started a family – this could have been it.”

 

TATYANA:

As her body and heart recovered, she did everything she could to distract herself.

 

PETINA:

We went to Milwaukee, went to Summer Fest. I took this trapeze class on the lake, something I’d always wanted to try. And then by that summer, it turns out, I was pregnant. And I was pregnant with twins.

 

[Music]

 

And we were shocked. Like, we were shocked. Every ultrasound, we would see the two. And pretty early on, we found out that we were having a boy and a girl, which was super exciting. Because by that point, I was 33. I was almost halfway through my 30’s, been married for a few years. I was like, “This is it. This is all I need. I’ll have two kids, I’ll have them both at the same time. And that’s it – a boy and a girl, we’re done.”

 

TATYANA:

She made an appointment with an OB, and wanted to lay it ALL out.

 

PETINA:

One of the very first conversations I had with her is that my family has a lot of experience with premature birth. My sister had a 26 week baby, my mom had to be on bed rest with cerclage for both me and my sister in order to have full term pregnancies. And this is something I’m really concerned about.

 

TATYANA:

Not to mention that twins carry even more risk of premature birth. So she assumed her treatment would be high-risk from the jump.

 

PETINA:

And she said, “We handle multiple pregnancies all the time. We have twins all the time. There’s no need to go to a specialist. This is a completely normal pregnancy.

 

You’re, you know – basically, you’re overreacting.”

 

TATYANA:

Petina’s body went into overdrive. She’s not a tall person to begin with, and with two babies inside her belly, she got big really fast.

 

PETINA:

I have a very short torso. There’s not a lot of space for that belly to go. So with two babies and two sacks I got big pretty fast.

 

TATYANA:

People would ask…

 

PETINA:

“How many months are you, eight and a half?” No, six. [laughs] I was very, very pregnant, very noticeably pregnant. So every time I went to the elevator, every time I went to the cafeteria, somebody is like, “Oh, look at you! Oh, yeah, you’re having twins.” People want to tell you about other twins that they know. [laughs]

 

[Music]

 

TATYANA:

She started having contractions, and wondered if it was Braxton Hicks – a kind of contraction that can happen, but doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in labor… most of the time.

 

PETINA:

I was having Braxton Hicks contractions a lot. Just feeling tightening in my belly, and release and it would tighten. And you know, my belly would get kind of hard and then release. And I called, a lot. I called, because I was nervous. And they would say, “It’s totally normal. It’s Braxton Hicks. Women go through this all the time. It’s because you’re getting so big, so fast. It’s because you’re carrying twins. Everything’s normal. Don’t worry about it.”

 

I didn’t know what to think. I was trusting my doctor.

 

TATYANA:

A couple days later, she saw the thing every pregnant mama fears…

 

PETINA:

I went to the bathroom and I saw a little brown stain when I wiped. So I was like, “I’m bleeding. Something’s going wrong.” 

 

So I called the doctor’s office and he told me to go to the ER, did some ultrasounds, they saw that my cervix was still closed. They observed for a little bit and they said it was okay. So I messaged my doctor and said, “I just wanted to let you know, I went into the ER for contractions.” And I said, “Should I move up my doctor’s appointment because of this? Do you want to see me sooner?” 

 

She said no. “Since your cervix is still closed, don’t worry about it. I don’t need to see you any sooner. I’ll see you at your next visit.” 

 

And then like two days later, I had my twins.

 

[Music]

 

TATYANA:

She had had back pain throughout the pregnancy… but on this day, it got a lot worse.

 

PETINA:

In the beginning of the day, it just, it was a dull ache, lower back pain all day. And by the end of the day, I went from being in pain to laying on the floor and crying because the pain got so bad. And by the time I got to the car, the pain was unbearable. So, I was very much in labor.

 

TATYANA:

She was having “back labor” – that’s when your baby is in the “sunny side up” position. A telltale sign is intense back pain. She was only at 21 weeks. Her husband raced her to the ER where she was taken into Labor and Delivery.

 

PETINA:

They said my cervix was dilated about one centimeter by that point. So they were trying to give me a bunch of medication to help the labor stop, and it wouldn’t. The contractions kept coming. I kept dilating more, and eventually was fully dilated.

 

They couldn’t stop the contractions, so I had a couple more contractions and delivered my son. I felt, you know, I felt him as he came out. Like, I felt his little arms or legs brush against my thighs as he came out. And they picked him up. They wrapped him in a little blanket, they cleaned him up, they put a tiny hat on his head. They handed me my baby. And I held him. He was warm, and he started to get cold. 

 

So, I watched my firstborn baby pass away in my arms.

 

I introduced the baby to my husband and said, “We have a son.” We had named him Cole. Like, “This is Cole.” We had always anticipated seeing what they would look like, seeing their faces. When they were still in my belly, I could feel where they were. One of their feet were always under my ribs and the other’s feet were kind of to my side. So you know, I kind of knew them while I was still pregnant. I knew where they were and knew which one was where. So I met him, and saw his face.

 

The nurses asked if I wanted pictures of him. I said yes. So they took some pictures of him. They asked if I wanted a picture holding him. I said no, I didn’t ever want to see myself in that moment ever again. And then, you know, it was clear he was gone. 

 

They told me that I would have to deliver my daughter. I was begging them to do something to let me keep her in. Like, you know, labor’s done. My son’s out. He’s done. Like, sew me back up, do something so I can keep my daughter in. 

 

And they said the risk of infection was too high, since my cervix was already fully dilated. And there was still the placenta left to come out and everything else. They said there’s nothing they could do, that I would have to deliver. They wouldn’t be able to leave me pregnant. So that was like… that was the hardest. Because I think even delivering him, I still held on to the idea that maybe I could come out of there with one. Even if one had to pass away, maybe I could leave the hospital with one baby.

 

So I told them, “All right, well, do whatever you have to do to make me go into labor so that we can get this over with. Like, I’m not going to stay here for hours and hours and hours, waiting for this to happen to me.” 

 

They gave me, I think, Pitocin to start labor for her. So my twins were actually born on two different days. Because of the time it took between the two.

 

[Music]

 

I feel like it was so devastating, that the only way that I could talk about it without melting down was to see it as a movie. Like, it wasn’t… I know it was happening to me. But I had to separate myself from the pain of it, because it was so immense.

 

My physical state didn’t matter to me at that point because of what I had just experienced. I didn’t realize how sick I was.

 

TATYANA:

The emotional pain was compounded by the trauma of delivery. Petina had lost so much blood, she was going in and out of consciousness. And it was her mom who noticed her hemoglobin test results were dangerously low.

 

PETINA:

The normal range was 12 – 15, and mine was about 6. So I had less than half of what I was supposed to have. And my mom really stayed on it. My mom was like, “You have to help her, you have to help my daughter, she’s just gone through this.” 

 

So they agreed that they would do a blood transfusion.

 

TATYANA:

I know from my own experience giving birth to my son that you have to advocate for yourself.

 

PETINA:

I feel like if my mom wasn’t there to advocate for me, I would probably have lost consciousness, I may have suffered more health problems, I may not have survived. I don’t know.

 

TATYANA:

It saved her life. But… that didn’t really register. Once she was well enough, she returned to an empty home.

 

PETINA:

I threw out all my pregnancy books. I couldn’t deal. I hadn’t really bought anything for the twins. My husband’s cousin had gone on a trip and came back with a little blue romper and a little pink romper. And I made him take everything out. I was like, “Just get it out of the house, I can’t see any of that.”

 

TATYANA:

She realized something else was missing: her OB. She hadn’t heard a word.

 

PETINA:

I hadn’t heard a peep from my doctor, nothing. I had gone through all this. My babies were dead. Heard not a peep from a doctor. So I went into the system and messaged her and said, “That appointment that you told me to wait for, I won’t be there. Because my twins were born and died.” 

 

And she wrote back, “I’m so sorry to hear that.” She had no idea. She had no idea. I’m the patient that you’re supposed to be caring for. I’m the patient that you reassured that everything was normal. And I’m the one that has to break the news to you.

 

[Music]

 

I honestly don’t know how I got through that time. It was very dark for me. I ended up going to a grief therapist. I took my maternity leave, and I feel like I just sat in front of the TV.

 

TATYANA:

Her sister swooped in to support her.

 

PETINA:

From the night the twins were born, she took my phone and said, “I’m going to be the conduit.” Because you get a lot of comments. Some people think they’re well-meaning… they’re not, at least not in the moment when people say, “This was meant to be.” Or, “It’s all part of the greater plan.” Or, “At least you know you can get pregnant.” People said a lot of really hurtful things.

 

TATYANA:

And then there were the flowers and cards filling her house… no amount of stuff could replace her twins. Seeing all of it actually bummed her out even more. So she asked that people divert their energy towards a cause. 

 

Why not give a gift in Ava and Cole’s name to March of Dimes? It’s an organization dedicated to improving the health of moms and babies everywhere. 

 

PETINA:

So every time March of Dimes would receive a gift in their memory, I would get a card. So I would be at home, just like, zoned out. I would get the mail. And there would inevitably be a card in there that would say, “A gift has been made in memory of Ava and Cole from so and so.” 

 

So that helped, too. It felt like it gave it some meaning; it gave it an outlet. I didn’t want to be surrounded by flowers… like grief flowers, or bouquets, or sad cards… it was too much. But to be able to have an outlet for it and to be able to say, “This happened, but maybe because this happened… maybe this one $20 gift will be the gift that funds the research that makes sure this doesn’t happen to somebody else.” 

 

So, it felt like there was some purpose behind it.

 

TATYANA:

She still wanted a family.

 

PETINA:

I thought I was going to be a mom of two. And I wanted that life really badly for myself. In hindsight, people ask me, like, “How could you go right back in? Like, you’re so strong!” 

 

And I was like, “No, I was just… I felt like this was taken from me. I was supposed to have this life.” I was so close to having it. I was two thirds of the way through my pregnancy. When I delivered my twins, I really wanted this life for myself. 

 

So I was determined to try to have a family.

 

[Music]

 

About a year after the twins were born, I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter Avery, and I was super nervous.

 

TATYANA:

She was going to do things differently this time. She found a doctor who specialized in high-risk pregnancies.

 

PETINA:

First appointment, first consultation – I told them exactly what I was up against, exactly what I was suffering. They said, “We’re going to see you as much as you need.” 

 

They put me on progesterone injections. So once a week, my husband had to give me this injection in the butt with a giant needle. But that was supposed to help me from going into premature labor.

 

TATYANA:

Throughout this pregnancy, she was super cautious.

 

PETINA:

I was very stationary. I gained a ton of weight during the pregnancy because I was so scared. About halfway through the pregnancy, I started feeling contractions. It was around the same time that I had had my twins. And I… couldn’t take it. I was like, this is nerve racking.

 

TATYANA:

Not again. This time, she made the call: she was staying home, and that was that.

 

PETINA:

So for 20 weeks, I worked on my couch with my feet up, with my laptop, in the house with my dog, and gained weight and stayed off my feet.

 

But it paid off. I went in for my visit at 40 weeks, they said, “Your fluid’s a little low. You’re going to have your baby today.” 

 

And I labored for 23 hours with her – ended up having an emergency C-section at the end of it. But delivered a healthy baby girl, and I cried. Like, as soon as I saw that she was out and I heard her cry, I was like, “Thank God. I finally made it. I had a full term baby. And, I didn’t know what that was like.”

 

[Music]

 

Holding her and just seeing that she was alive was everything to me. It was like I had finally made it to the finish line. The baby that I thought I was going to have this whole time was finally in my arms.

 

TATYANA:

Looking at her daughter for the first time, she was struck by the resemblance.

 

PETINA:

She had the same nose as my firstborn. My son, Cole. That was the first thing I noticed about her, was her little tiny flared up nose. She looked just like she had the same nose as my boy twin. 

 

TATYANA:

Bringing Avery home felt surreal. Petina had barely planned on it.

 

PETINA:

This whole time we had this big, empty house waiting for a family. So to finally have a baby to put in this house was… unreal. I had been very scared, so I only had a crib. That’s the only thing I was allowing in the house. I only had a crib and diapers – just the very, very essentials.

 

TATYANA:

She had her little family, and together the three of them grew. But quickly, about 18 months later, Petina discovered she was pregnant again.

 

[Music]

 

PETINA:

We actually had said we would wait till Avery was a little bit older and maybe potty trained and a little more self sufficient before we had another child. So Sullivan was actually a little bit of a surprise. And we found out we were expecting him. And again, I was still a little nervous. But finally having a baby that stayed… I wasn’t as nervous as I was with Avery’s pregnancy.

 

TATYANA:

But with Avery now a thriving toddler, she had the confidence she could do this. And took a totally different approach this time.

 

PETINA:

So I stayed active. I walk every day, I have a Fitbit. So I would get my 10,000 steps every day, even pregnant with him. And it felt good. I felt good. I felt confident.

 

TATYANA:

And she didn’t hesitate to bring her doctor in on any concerns. Big or small.

 

PETINA:

The high-risk doctor said, “If anything feels weird, tell us. We’ll have you come in and let us look. Let us make sure for you. Don’t guess. Don’t worry about it. Come in, and we’ll confirm.”

 

Again, I was enormous. And people were always asking me if I was due any day and I’m like six months pregnant.

 

TATYANA:

Some things were the same.

 

Things were good – she was healthy, and so was the baby. But her belly had gotten so big she couldn’t see her feet anymore. And one day, she took a little bit of a tumble. It wasn’t a big deal, but…

 

PETINA:

I was talking to my cousin and told him what happened. He’s like, “Why don’t you call the doctor and see what they say.” I was like, “Well, I feel fine. I didn’t, like, fall; I didn’t hit my belly. I didn’t even hit my knees, just kind of stumbled. I missed a step because I can’t see my feet anymore.” He said, “Just call them, you know, they said to call them.” 

 

So I called the high-risk doctors, they said, “Come in, you took a fall. Just come in, we’ll just check.” 

 

So I came in, and I was in labor.

 

TATYANA:

Petina felt like she was living in the twilight zone.

 

[Music]

 

PETINA:

The contractions got to the point where I was having them every three minutes. And they were intense to the point where I couldn’t talk through them. And they tried to help stop the contractions, but they wouldn’t stop. So it was like this kind of deja vu. But I’m 32 weeks, he is big enough to make it. I’m okay with this if he has to be delivered.

 

TATYANA:

But this time, things were different. After being in the hospital for 4 days, the contractions stopped. 

 

PETINA:

And I got to go home. So he was born at 36 weeks. But he weighed the same as his sister was at full term, even though he’s a month early. 

 

So to get that healthy baby boy in my arms, I mean, it was just… I feel in a lot of ways, I was able to get that family that I thought it was going to have. And it felt really complete; it felt really good.

 

[Music]

 

TATYANA:

Avery and Sullivan are quite a pair.

 

PETINA:

My son is pretty big. Even though he’s a full two years younger than his sister, they’re almost the same size, they wear the same size shoes. And whenever I have them in a double stroller, or if they’re sitting – because she’s taller than him, he’s pretty big, but she’s still taller than him. But if they’re sitting, they’re the same size, and they look alike. So without fail anytime I have them out together – double stroller, going for a walk at a festival, wherever – somebody says, “Your twins are so cute.” And I like, kind of laugh to myself like, I was supposed to have twins. And everybody thinks these two are twins.

 

So I feel like every single time I go out, I’m reminded that I had twins and I kind of have twins again. Which just kind of feels like a wink from the universe to me. And I appreciate that.

 

TATYANA:

Her family and her heart is full. And now she feels a responsibility to talk about her experience.

 

PETINA:

People still don’t talk about a lot of this stuff, even though it’s more common than we think, than we would ever know. And just the act of sharing it can help somebody feel like they’re not alone, that someone has gone through this and has come out on the other side.

 

When I was in the darkest part of my grief, I felt like, maybe I’m just not meant to be a mom. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me that this is not for me. Because I was so close to having this… this life as a mother, and it was taken away. 

 

And coming out of that, to the point where I’m now raising these two beautiful children, I never thought I’d be there. I’ve been in the darkest part of that grief. For another mom who might be in that dark place… to know that somebody has been in the exact same place and has come out on the other end, I think that’s really important.

 

TATYANA:

She hopes conversations like this will encourage more women to speak up.

 

PETINA:

And if that can help someone, even if it helps just one other person, it’s worth sharing that. And I hope that the act of sharing makes more people comfortable with sharing it, so that others around them know that this is normal. This is real. This is something that happens, and you can live through it. You can survive it, you can come out on the other end and still be a mom, you can still come out on the other end and someday you’ll actually smile and have joy and hope in your life again. Even though in the toughest part of any of these experiences, it may not feel like it.

 

[Music]

 

TATYANA:

Thanks to Petina Dixon-Jenkins for sharing her story today. 

 

It is so important that these stories don’t go unheard. So, please, share this episode with a friend. And then subscribe, review, and give us a 5-star rating wherever you are listening.

 

To share your story and join the conversation, please visit us at UnspokenStories.org. 

 

This podcast was produced by FannieCo, with March of Dimes and Purpose. 

 

Music by Blue Dot Sessions, recording services by Studio Media in Evanston, Illinois and Outpost Studios in San Francisco.

 

Thank you for listening.

64 Days in the NICU

[Laughter]

 

JAY RICHARDSON: 

I remember us being like, “Okay, what do we do next?” 

 

We took pictures and packed her in the car and drove home. My mother said, “Okay, y’all got it.” And she left. And here we were sitting in the house with a baby. Trying to figure out okay, what’s next? But it eventually clicked and you know, here we are.

 

[Music plays]

 

I’m Jay Richardson, and this my Unspoken Story.

 

TATYANA ALI: 

Welcome to Unspoken Stories – real stories of pregnancy, parenthood, and loss.

 

So often these stories go unshared. But not anymore. Now it’s time for us to raise our voice, and share our truth.

 

I’m Tatyana Ali. I have a son at home who is 2 and a half… whose birth was not like I had imagined at all.

 

Parenthood is a rollercoaster – from the joys of seeing your child grow, to the heartbreak of miscarriage and loss, to the daily challenge just keeping up with them, to the laughter and endless love… it is everything all at once.

 

So I wanted to talk to other moms and dads about their experiences, because stories have the power to connect, heal, and inspire.

 

Today’s Unspoken Story comes from Atlanta. We talk to Jay Richardson about meeting his wife Tatianna, and the birth of their daughter, Teagan. 

 

JAY: 

So I’m a resident of Stone Mountain, Georgia, which is just outside of Atlanta.

 

TATYANA: 

Jay has spent his career immersed in every part of the food service industry.

 

JAY: 

I’ve covered everything from bartending to cooking on the line to managing food service. 

 

TATYANA: 

Jay met Tatianna, and they hit it off from the beginning. 

 

JAY: 

Tatianna Richardson is my wife. We met back in 2012. We have lots of mutual friends, and kind of hit it off from the start.

 

TATYANA: 

They quickly bonded over love of family, fun… and food. 

 

JAY: 

We love food – many of our first dates were centered around food. The Taste of Atlanta was one of our first dates. And then we went to a picnic at Stone Mountain within the first week or two.  Then different little restaurants around Decatur. So everything has been centered around food. I grew up in the West Indian country of St. Kitts, and our Independence Day is September 19th. So it just so happened that around the time that we met, there was a St. Kitts Independence Atlanta picnic close to Stone Mountain.

 

TATYANA: 

This proved to be a perfect opportunity for Tatianna to learn more about Jay and his culture.

 

JAY: 

So we went there, and that was kind of her first introduction to, you know, where I came from. So she got to see some of our foods and hear our music.

  

TATYANA: 

It wasn’t long before Jay was ready to take things to the next level. 

 

JAY: 

It was just around Father’s Day, so I took both her parents and we all went to the movies. Later on, Tatianna was cooking lunch for us. We got into the conversation about labels and how to call each other. I called her mother by her first name, right? And she was like, “I don’t really care for that.” So I says, “Well, what about mom?” Right? And she was like, “Okay, sure.” 

 

Then, you know, the same thing I asked her dad, “What can I call you? Can I call you dad?” And he’s like, “Yeah.” 

 

So then, I turned around and asked Tat. “Well, what can I call you?” And she was confused. She’s like, “What do you mean?” 

 

I says, “Well can I call you my wife?” Right? [Laughs] And at that time, she was like, just super confused. And then I got down on one knee and, you know, I had the ring for her.

 

TATYANA: 

And what was Tatiana’s answer to that big question?

 

JAY: 

[Laughs] 

 

She said yes. She said yes.

 

TATYANA: 

Time moves fast. 

 

JAY: 

And now here we are, five years later.

 

TATYANA: 

Tatiana and Jay always wanted a family, but just how did Jay find out they were expecting?

 

JAY: 

I was getting ready for work that morning and she popped in and goes, “I got something to tell you.” I go, “What is that?” 

 

And she says, “We’re pregnant!” [Laughs] 

 

Of course, I was like, “Excuse me?” And she says, “We’re pregnant, we’re gonna have a baby.”

 

TATYANA: 

The news was fantastic… even though they were a bit older than the average new parents.

        

JAY:

I was 34. She was 36.

 

TATYANA: 

The couple planned on keeping the development a secret for the time being. 

 

JAY: 

For the first few weeks it was going to the doctors regularly and getting checkups and making sure everything was fine. And then we finally share the news with our parents and friends, around 11 weeks.

 

TATYANA: 

Jay and Tatiana took all the soon-to-be grandparents and other family members out to dinner to announce the surprise. And what was the reaction?

 

JAY: 

[Laughs]

 

Pandemonium. Both of our parents just erupted. It took everyone else a minute to figure out what was going on, right? And then when they saw the sonogram, everyone’s like, “Oh my gosh!”

 

TATYANA: 

It did not take long for the word to spread.

 

JAY: 

Her cousin was there and she started crying and then, you know, obviously her phone started blowing up as well. So you know, my sister was calling, her brother was calling, and my dad was just, you know, everyone was calling at the same time. It felt exciting and it was also good to know that, you know, everyone was excited for us and, you know, ready to take this journey with us.

 

TATYANA: 

Mom and baby began to get regular prenatal checkups with dad in tow. Jay was especially amazed with the sights and sounds of the early sonograms.

 

JAY: 

They put a little jelly on her stomach and then they start doing the scan. Then you start seeing a little squiggly movement on the screen. And they say, “Hey, that’s a head! That’s two hands.” And you’re just like, “Where?” [Laughs]

 

So they see that squiggly movement. They say that’s your baby. Then you hear this powerful, very rapid beat. “Poof, poof, poof, poof, poof!” That’s the heartbeat. And the first time hearing the heartbeat, you’re just like, “Wow.” [Laughs] “Wow.”

 

TATYANA: 

That sound was a big moment of realization for Jay. 

 

JAY: 

Really realizing that there’s life inside. I’m like, we went from having tacos, to, wow, we’re about to be parents. 

 

TATYANA: 

Like all expecting modern parents, Jay and Tatiana relied on technology to track their baby’s development. 

 

JAY: 

We downloaded all the apps known to man for the journey. And every week they would say, you know, your baby should be the size of a peanut… the size of a grape… the size of a clementine… the size of an orange. You know every Wednesday it was fun to say, you know, “We have a little jelly bean inside. Hey, we have a little orange inside.” And they pretty much told us exactly what the size of the baby should be.

 

TATYANA: 

After visiting the doctor, the couple learned that the baby’s size was not where it should be.

 

JAY: 

However, I remember going to the doctors and that size wasn’t matching up with what we were told it should be. She wasn’t growing very fast. For the longest while she stayed the size of an orange.

 

TATYANA: 

This was not the best news. 

 

JAY: 

The doctors were concerned.

 

TATYANA: 

The doctors also diagnosed Tatianna with a condition that could be dangerous to herself, as well as her unborn baby. 

 

JAY: 

During Tatianna’s second trimester, one of the things that the doctors were noticing was that she had preeclampsia, which was a condition where her blood pressure was spiked to above normal levels. There will be some swelling throughout the body and make it difficult for the oxygen and blood flow throughout her body.

 

TATYANA: 

There were also some complications with Tatianna’s own birth that could impact the current pregnancy.

 

JAY: 

My wife was actually born prematurely, and her mother suffered with lupus from a young age. So I remember her telling me that, you know, when she was born, they both stayed in the hospital for a while.

 

We knew the statistics. We knew that my wife at her age of 36, you know, she was a little bit older than, you know, the average mother. The doctors were always peppering us with statistics, telling us, you know, like, at your age, this is this is going to be a difficult pregnancy for you.

  

And at one point, you know, the doctor was being so negative that we got frustrated and actually asked for someone else. We knew what the statistics were, but we’re trying to be optimistic here.

 

TATYANA: 

Knowing the odds, Tatianna and Jay wanted to focus on the positive, so they made a big decision to change their care. And working with a new set of doctors lead to a new tone.

 

JAY: 

You know, the other doctors that came around were more supportive of us. They were always peppering us with good news. They still spoke about the risks. But, you know, they delivered it in a way that was more receivable. Just the demeanor was much different, so every visit was more calming. So we didn’t leave stressed out. We were still concerned, but we didn’t leave stressed out.

 

TATYANA: 

Unfortunately, the newfound relief did not last long.

 

JAY: 

January 20. My birthday was on the 21st. She had an appointment that afternoon and we were going to go out to eat that evening for my birthday. The doctor noticed that her blood pressure was spiking and said, “You need to stay in hospital tonight, and most likely until the baby’s born.”

 

TATYANA: 

To play it safe, the doctors wanted to keep a close eye on every development. 

 

JAY: 

So, Tatianna was admitted to the hospital at 26 weeks pregnant. While Tatianna was in the hospital, one thing I noticed was that, you know, the baby wasn’t getting enough oxygen because of the under development of her placenta. And as a result, they would have her sleeping on her side to increase blood flow and oxygen to the baby.

 

TATYANA: 

Tatianna stayed in her hospital bed and Jay would stay by her side until the last minute of visiting hours.

 

JAY: 

And I eventually went home. Home is probably eight miles away from the hospital. And every evening, I was going there to visit, spend some time, and then go back home.

 

TATYANA: 

Jay was getting up early morning, working his full shift, visiting Tatiana in the hospital, and then going home, alone. 

 

JAY: 

On the evening of the 25th – it was a Monday evening – went home probably about 9, 10 o’clock.

 

TATYANA: 

Jay wouldn’t stay home for long.

 

JAY: 

Around 11:45, she calls me on my phone and says, “We’re probably going to have this baby tomorrow. They’re getting me prepped, but you need to come.” 

 

And I said, “Okay, I’ll be there soon.” Right? Thinking it’s going to be later on today. She calls me back five minutes later and says, “You know by today, I mean, like, right now… the next hour.” [Laughs]

 

TATYANA: 

Jay arrived at the hospital soon after that call.

 

JAY: 

So I got down to the hospital, met the nurses, and they had me dress up in this full body paper suit. I remember looking like a bunny… but I was so tall, it didn’t fit properly. So they’re rolling her down to the operating room and she sees me and it’s a too small hospital outfit. And she’s already halfway sedated, but she’s still laughing at me. 

 

But of course, you know, I’m nervous. I’m scared. I’m dressed in a small hospital outfit… at one o’clock in the morning. [Laughs]

  

TATYANA: 

The surroundings were not what Jay envisioned or expected. 

 

JAY: 

I remember it was very, very cold in there. And, you know, I can see the fear in her eyes. And you know, I’m holding her hand while they have… it wasn’t the warm and fuzzy delivery room that we had seen in our pregnancy prep. It was a lot different… it was more cold, it was sterile. And that’s when it started hitting me that, okay, this is not going to be normal. It was a Cesarean section.

 

TATYANA: 

Jay did his best to be supportive and positive. 

 

JAY: 

But I remember trying to just keep her calm and I know we shared some jokes. I’m not sure if they landed or not, but I did my best to just try and keep her calm while she was squeezing the life out of my hand. 

 

And probably within 20 to 30 minutes, they were done. Then they brought her up and says, “Here’s your baby.” 

 

And I remember, you know, within the first few seconds, Teagan’s eyes were actually open, looking at us, you know, in her curious way.

 

TATYANA: 

Even though she was so alert and aware, the baby’s small size concerned Jay.

 

JAY: 

I was really, really scared. You know, seeing how tiny she was. But, I didn’t want to take my eyes off of her. Then they whisked her away. They whisked me away as well. 

 

After I left the delivery room and met Tat in the recovery room, I remember her still being somewhat groggy because she had passed out after the C-section was over. So she was in the recovery room for a good three or four hours.  

 

For the most part, she was asleep. And then after they wheeled her down into her room, by this time, it’s probably about six o’clock or so. She was asking questions, you know, well, “Where’s the baby?” And, you know, “What, what happens next?” 

 

And you know, we’re both still in and out of sleep. By about mid-morning, that’s when she wanted to see the baby. So we took a trip down to the NICU for the first time, and that’s when she saw her. And, you know, obviously, she was like, “Wow, she is so tiny.”

 

[Music]

 

TATYANA: 

Though she was tiny and delicate, the new parents found a way to have close, intimate time with their new baby.

 

JAY: 

They would allow… they would help us take the baby out, and stick her inside of our shirt, just to get some skin to skin contact. And it helped with, you know, just a bonding between, you know, Teagan and us as well. But, you know, we joke with her now saying that we would put her inside of our shirts just to continue that.

 

At first it was a little bit difficult because, you know, she had all these wires and tubes connected to her. So you know, the nurses would help us with that. They’ll tell us what kind of shirts to wear… you know, button up shirts were the best, so that we can slide her in and we’d spend a good 20, 30 minutes just holding her.

 

TATYANA: 

It all took some getting used to.

 

JAY: 

At first it was weird. But then, you know, we kept on doing it and then it started feeling more natural.

 

TATYANA: 

While mom and baby were staying overnight at the hospital, Jay was home alone, waking up early in the morning for work. 

 

JAY: 

So I started work about six o’clock in the morning so, you know, when I got up in the morning I’ll you know give her a call or a text letting her know I’m up, I’m on my way to work. And I worked about an hour away from my home. So, get to work and you know, check in with her through texts throughout the day, and then leaving work I would stop at the hospital. So I would grab something to eat.

 

TATYANA: 

Jay would even bend some rules to bring a smile to Tatianna’s face.

 

JAY: 

And I would sneak her something so whether it was some burrito or some fries or something. It was probably not the best decision I could have made but… [Laughs] I knew it was probably better than the hospital food. 

 

And we’d get in the room and we’d watch TV, Family Feud, or just talk for a couple hours. Then I’d head on home, tuck in and then start all over again.

 

TATYANA: 

These were not easy days for anyone.

 

JAY: 

It was rough, you know, empty bed. But still, you know, I was concerned. With her being in the hospital, you know, not sure what to do, what to think.

 

TATYANA: 

But it wasn’t long before Tatianna was ready to head home.

 

JAY: 

Tatianna was released from the hospital probably two days to three days after the birth.

 

TATYANA: 

Having family around was a huge help.

 

JAY: 

Sometimes my mother would take her to the hospital during the day and she would spend the day there. Just hanging out in the NICU, reading stories to her, singing. She didn’t want to leave, you know, and I was still at work. So you know, in the afternoons, I would also come and spend time in the NICU with them. And we did this every single day. 

 

TATYANA: 

The family tried to make things as normal as possible, given the circumstances. 

 

JAY: 

We did everything from reading to singing to her. We also had a picture of us inside of her incubator just so she can see us and recognize even when we weren’t there because you know eventually, at nights, we did have to leave.

 

TATYANA: 

But they didn’t let the situation keep them from celebrating holidays.

 

JAY: 

We spent her first Easter there. So, I remember us putting some Easter bunny ears on her and taking pictures. I remember bringing new outfits as she was growing, but you know, every single day we were there with her.

 

TATYANA: 

The new parents stayed focused on the most important measurements. 

 

JAY: 

The one milestone that we kept on waiting for was for the growth. So we’re always trying to, we’re always waiting for the next pound. And every time she grew and weighed heavier, we were excited. I remember there were other milestones like when they would take the breathing tube out and she can breathe on her own, or when they took the feeding tube out and she can feed through the IV’s or whatever to feed her with. And each milestone was exciting. 

 

When she was able to breathe on her own for a long period of time without any alarms, you know, that was exciting too. She was being bottle fed because she was so tiny, and I remember there was difficulty with latching so she didn’t take to the breast at first. And even the bottle was so, so tiny.

 

TATYANA: 

And it wasn’t long before the new baby had grown significantly. 

 

[Music]

 

JAY: 

She was still growing, she was almost five pounds. And I remember them saying that, you know, she’s beat all the milestones, she’s breathing on her own. She’s eating on her own. And she could pretty much come home any day now.

 

TATYANA: 

But that didn’t mean they felt ready for the next step.

 

JAY: 

And I remember us not being ready, you know, we’re still scared. We didn’t know what to do. 

 

TATYANA: 

The staff at the hospital knew better.

 

JAY: 

And I remember I thinking, I remember me personally thinking like, well, you know, “What do I do if, you know, she can’t breathe?” You know, what do I do? And they’re like, “You’ll be okay.” [Laughs]

 

TATYANA: 

Soon, everyone was talking about getting the baby home.

 

JAY: 

The first time that she was scheduled to come home, she didn’t. So we spent another week at the hospital. And then they said, “She’s good to go today. Bring the car seat in so we can do a test to make sure she’s good to go.” 

 

And we bought the car seat in, they strapped her in, she fit. And they said, “Alright, see you later.”

 

TATYANA: 

With a bit of trepidation, the new family headed home for the first time.

 

JAY: 

[Laughs] I remember us being like, “Okay, what do we do next?” 

 

We took pictures and packed her in the car and drove home. My mother said, “Okay, y’all got it.” And she left. And here we were sitting in the house with a baby. Trying to figure out okay, what’s next? But it eventually clicked and you know, here we are.

 

TATYANA: 

The big day had finally arrived.

 

JAY: 

So after Teagan spent 64 days in the NICU, we were able to take her home.

 

TATYANA: 

And that was just the beginning. 

 

JAY: 

And I remember the first time she started crying, and we’re trying to figure out what does that mean? And we started running through it. We knew that it was either going to be food, changing, or sleepy. So every time we just went through that, you know, check her diapers, okay, give her food. And if not, just go to sleep. And then, throughout the night she would wake up. So the first night we woke up about two or three times. It was rough because you know, getting up to three times in the night, you know, your sleep patterns are disrupted.

 

TATYANA: 

But baby or no, work must go on.

 

JAY: 

So going to work sometimes was rough, physically. And then emotionally was also rough too cause I mean, you know, I had to leave. But my wife’s home with a new baby. 

 

Luckily I had the support of my mother who came over all the time just to help. I was there for her, you know, as much as I could be. Whether it was bringing food, whether was just, you know, being comforting, a word of comfort her, say, you know, “It’s going to be okay.” You know, not to worry about anything.

 

TATYANA: 

Even though she was home, the baby’s size remained a concern. 

 

JAY: 

We were really concerned about her growth early. And I think after follow up visits, you know, we still are concerned about her growth, actually. She wasn’t growing very fast. And she still isn’t.

 

TATYANA: 

Slowly, they made progress in fits and spurts by trying all sorts of new foods.

 

JAY: 

So she was formula fed at first, and then eventually, we started moving onto foods so we pureed different vegetables or different items that she could try. And first she had a voracious appetite, and then somehow along the way it’s kind of died down. 

 

So we’re still having that “What would you like to eat?” fight. Early on, she liked sweet potatoes. She liked grits. And she likes cereal. So we used to, I remember we had a cereal mixture of rice cereal that we used to give her and then we just put that in milk.   

 

Still, she loves milk. So she has milk every day. And we give her a smoothie every afternoon of different fruit and vegetables. She used to like grits, she used to like rice. She likes oatmeal. Now she likes chicken, meats. And she tells us that she likes salads at school. [Laughs] But we don’t believe her though. Because we try to give her salads at home and she doesn’t eat it.

 

TATYANA: 

They kept a close eye on her progress with the assistance of professional help.

 

JAY: 

So the development doctor would test her movement, test her ligament strength, eye movement, and even her mental capacity, you know, to recognize different things. They noticed that one side is a little bit stronger than the other. She favored one leg for stepping and moving. She wasn’t as strong as she should be with, like, her leg strength or any of her muscle strength.

 

TATYANA: 

The experts provided some fun exercises to help speed the development process.

 

JAY: 

They always tried to work on her dexterity. So they would have us do things like have her pick up Cheerios, or eventually, try to thread things, you know, like something small between a Cheerio or something larger. They looked at her I movements to make sure that they can follow something that she’s concentrating on. You know, work on this exercise, work on that exercise. She was developing quickly.

 

TATYANA: 

Having Grandma around definitely helped move the ball forward.

 

JAY: 

You know, my mother actually stayed home for the first few months to babysit Teagan and she was always doing whatever tests the doctors recommended. So she was working on her muscle movement, she was working on the hand movement. And eventually, you know, when Teagan started walking and crawling she would play different games with her, like peekaboo, you know. And she’d run around the room with Teagan and have her doing different things. 

 

She eventually got Teagan to start climbing, crawling up the steps, playing different games with her. So my mother was pretty rigorous with getting her to beat these developmental exercises.

 

TATYANA: 

For whatever weaknesses she started out with physically, Teagan more than made up for them with her personality and sociability.

 

[Music]

 

JAY: 

Teagan’s personality started come out pretty early on. She was always smiling, in my opinion.  She wasn’t a fussy baby. Very, very, very joyful… very, very happy. Still have tummy time, even when she was six months, seven months, and she enjoyed being… she enjoyed cuddling with us. So in bed, she would worm up between us and just, you know, cuddle with us.

 

TATYANA: 

The joy extended to the whole family.

 

JAY: 

By the time she was just over a year, she enjoyed being around her grandmother. She started laughing at certain things and started crawling quickly. 

 

They love playing peekaboo, like I said, and I remember my mother used to take her and show her different pictures in the house and say, “That’s uncle, that’s your other grandmother. That’s your aunt.” And every morning they did that routine, and she would start lighting up, you know, recognizing different people. So even now, she looks at these pictures and says, “Hey, that’s uncle. That’s grandmother. That’s Auntie.”

 

TATYANA: 

She started spreading her love for singing at an early age.

 

JAY: 

My mother also used to sing with her. So from small, you know, she was always singing with her. And then she started singing. So plenty of times we’d be driving in the car and Teagan is in the background just babbling and singing different tunes. So now she’ll just start singing and making up her own words and making up her own tunes to different things.

 

TATYANA: 

Even though Teagan had a late start, she caught up with her peers quickly. 

 

JAY: 

Her aunt, my wife’s aunt was babysitting her as well and she would bring her grandson in. Her grandson was just a few months older than her, but he was already walking, right? And Teagan had just started inching along, starting to crawl. And shortly after she just started walking too, and she was already babbling a lot, whereas her cousin wasn’t talking yet. And eventually he started babbling and talking more too, so I guess that symbiotic relationship between the two of them, you know… she started walking because of his influence and he started talking because of her influence. She was just over a year. So she started walking before 18 months… 18 months, yeah.

 

TATYANA: 

How does Jay describe Teagan today?

 

JAY: 

I would say Teagan is fearless. Very, very inquisitive and very, very curious, and not really afraid of anything. I remember, you know, she likes going to the playground. And you know, she doesn’t want to do anything that’s associated with being a little kid. Right? So she would get on the playground and get on the structures and climb all the way to the top, you know, and slide down and want to do it 15 more times before we leave. She loves to climb, you know, and just not afraid of getting hurt at three years old. [Laughs]

 

TATYANA: 

In addition to being a bit of an acrobat, Teagan is a social butterfly. 

 

JAY: 

I’m very, very jovial and so is she, and she doesn’t meet any strangers so it’s not uncommon for, you know, us when we’re walking to the train or bus or just out and about, she would start having a conversation with a total stranger about shoes or, you know, anything random.

 

TATYANA: 

And she is not shy about showing how she feels.

 

JAY: 

She has our facial expressions sometimes so when, you know, someone might have invaded her personal space, she gives them a look like, “Hey!” [Laughs]

 

TATYANA: 

The family is still thankfully celebrating milestones.

 

JAY: 

Teagan just celebrated her third birthday January. You know, I’m always still amazed at how far she’s come. You know, I have her first picture that we took. It’s in my visor in my car, and I’m always showing her that this is how tiny she was, you know, the fact that her wrist fit through my wedding band. You know, I’m just always amazed.

 

TATYANA: 

Teagan still has some challenges ahead.

 

JAY: 

So she’s still a little bit small for her age… her agility is really good. So she climbs, walks, runs, crawls sometimes. She goes up and down steps really well. Sometimes too fast for our liking.

 

TATYANA: 

But she’s making progress every day.

 

JAY: 

I remember just even over the past few months, looking at her growth, as far as her ability to turn off light switches or reach door handles, or even the railing on the steps. You know, she’s gotten better at that. So now we’re able to give her little chores and tasks, like take dishes to the kitchen and put them in the sink, or turn the switch off… turn the light off where we’re leaving a room.

 

TATYANA: 

In early learning, she’s head of the class.

 

JAY: 

As far as her school development, she’s very, very smart. We get videos and pictures from her school all day. And we hear the teachers asking questions like, you know, having the students to identify letters or colors on the wall, and she’ll be one of the first ones to run to the wall and identify those letters. 

 

So from an academic standpoint, I think she’s phenomenal.

 

TATYANA: 

In the meantime, Teagan’s growing vocabulary is blowing Jay and Tatianna away.

 

JAY: 

It’s still surprising. Because like, sometimes she uses words or sentences or questions and we’re like, “Well, how did you know to ask that?” or “Where’d you learn that word from?” You know, I mean, I know that we don’t have her 24/7, but we like to think that, you know, she knows what we teach her. And then she comes home with a new word. 

 

Sometimes we do something and she goes, “That’s exciting!” [Laughs] Right? And I’m like, “That’s a three syllable word. You know, why do you know that?”  

 

So sometimes it’s just exciting and mind blowing to see her mental development

 

TATYANA: 

Even at such a young age, Teagan is showing signs of being a caring, thoughtful, positive nurturer… just like her parents. 

 

JAY: 

We have a little garden on our patio, where we plant little herbs or vegetables. And for the past year and a half, she’s been excited to go out there and water those things. So every time when we ask her what she wants to be when she grows up, she always says, “I want to water plants.” Consistently every day for the past year and a half. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” “I want to water plants.” [Laughs] 

 

She likes to know that she helps something to grow. So, you know, she likes to go out there and check the tomatoes when we were doing tomatoes last year and she likes watching them grow.

 

TATYANA: 

Jay and Tatianna’s priorities have shifted. 

 

JAY: 

You know, as we grew with her, we just wanted to be around her all the time. So even now, you know, we don’t see her as a premature baby. We see her as our amazing little kid. 

 

Four years ago, five years ago, this wasn’t even on our radar. And here we are as parents and watching not only Teagan grow, but our growth as well has been pretty interesting. You know, our priorities have shifted, the way that we do things from the restaurants where we go to eat to even our scheduling – it’s all centered around Teagan. Our selfless attitudes have been, you know, an amazing development.

 

TATYANA: 

Thanks to Jay Richardson for sharing his story today.

 

It is so important that these stories don’t go unheard—so please share this episode with a friend, and then subscribe, review, and give us a 5-star rating wherever you are listening.

To share your story and join the conversation, please visit us at UnspokenStories.org. 

This podcast was produced by FannieCo, with March of Dimes and Purpose.

Music by Blue Dot Sessions, recording services by Creative Sound Concepts in Atlanta, Georgia, and Outpost Studios in San Francisco, CA.

Thanks for listening.

What Jamie-Lynn Sigler Learned From Being Vulnerable

JAMIE-LYNN SIGLER: 

I remember looking at my OB and I said, “Can I do this?” 

 

Because if I can’t I’m okay having the baby anyway, I just want him to be safe. Because I always assume that I’m not going to be able to do things because of my MS. And I remember her looking at me and she’s like, “Your MS has nothing to do with this, you’re doing perfect. Push into the light.” 

 

And that was all I needed to hear, because two minutes later he was born.

 

[Music]

 

I’m Jamie-Lynn Sigler. And this is my Unspoken Story.

 

TATYANA ALI: 

Welcome to Unspoken Stories – real stories of pregnancy, parenthood, and loss.

 

So often these stories go unshared. But not anymore. Now, it’s time for us to raise our voice and share our truth.

 

I’m Tatyana Ali. I have a son at home who is two and a half… and another baby on the way.

 

Parenthood is a rollercoaster – from the joys of seeing your child grow, to the heartbreak of miscarriage and loss, to the daily challenge just keep up with them, to the laughter and endless love… it is everything all at once.

 

So I wanted to talk to other moms and dads about their experiences, because stories have the power to connect, heal, and inspire.

 

Today on Unspoken Stories, we get to know Jamie-Lynn Sigler a little better. 

 

JAMIE: 

I am best known for playing Meadow Soprano on HBO’s The Sopranos. I was on Entourage, and Will and Grace, and a show called Guys With Kids. I got to play Belle in Beauty and the Beast on Broadway. I also have a podcast called Mama Said, a parenting podcast.

 

TATYANA: 

As a star of stage and screen, she has spent her entire adult life in the public eye. Today, we’re going to talk about Jamie-Lynn – the mom – and her journey to earn that title. 

 

JAMIE: 

I am a wife and a mom of two little boys, Beau and Jack. My husband’s name is Cutter. He is 29 years old, so a bit younger than me. He was a professional baseball player for nine years. I traveled all over the country watching him play, we did long distance for the first three and a half years of our relationship.

 

That included having a newborn baby and following him around and driving around and packing up. It was not the easiest lifestyle. But that was his dream, and I was there to support it.

 

I’ve had a very full life in my 38 years.

 

TATYANA: 

Twenty years ago, Jamie could have scarcely imagined the life she has today.

 

JAMIE: 

I was 20 years old when I was diagnosed with MS. And at the time, my biggest concern was, one, would I be able to have children, and two, would I still be able to be an actress.

 

TATYANA: 

At first, her symptoms came on slowly… and she didn’t think anything serious was going on.

 

JAMIE: 

I was in Florida visiting a friend and felt some numbing, tingling feelings in my legs and my feet. I kind of ignored it… that was my personality was kind of just, brush everything off and move on. And then about seven days later, the sensation was all the way up to my hips and my walking was impaired. So obviously I felt like I should probably get this checked out.

 

I was admitted to a hospital and immediately put in the ICU, was paralyzed from my waist down with no answers as to why.

 

TATYANA: 

They kept her in the hospital and started a battery of tests…

 

JAMIE: 

About 11 days later, after CAT scans, MRIs, spinal taps, every kind of test you can imagine they actually diagnosed me with Lyme’s disease. I was given a course of steroids and antibiotics and everything seemed to go away and be fine.

 

TATYANA: 

But about a year and a half later, the strange tingling sensations came back.

 

JAMIE: 

It was a moment in my life where I was really stretched and stressed, overworked, and I just assumed I would go into the hospital, get another course of antibiotics and steroids and kind of be done with it… and then had this sobering, life changing moment where I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

 

Obviously, being 20 years old, on a hit show and having my entire life in front of me… getting this diagnosis was a very hard pill to swallow.

 

TATYANA: 

The symptoms of MS can come and go with stress.

 

JAMIE: 

MS stands for multiple sclerosis, and it affects every person differently, which is crazy to think about. Around each of your nerves is a coating called myelin, so MS eats away at that coating. So, I’m sending the signal to my leg to move, and even though the signal’s going through, it’s not strong because there’s all these holes. And that’s why things spasm. It’s like an electrical malfunction, if you will.

 

TATYANA: 

The diagnosis came as a huge shock.

 

JAMIE: 

Fortunately, though, for me, I was diagnosed by a doctor who looked me and my family in the eye and said, “There’s no reason for any of us to believe that Jamie can’t live a very full, healthy life. She can still be an actress, she can be a mom, she can do all the things she wants, we’re going to keep her on treatment, she’s caught it early enough… everything’s going to be okay.”

 

But then we made the executive decision from the advice of some industry professionals to keep it a secret. And that began a 14-year journey with this disease privately that made it 10 times harder, probably, than it could have or should have been.

 

TATYANA: 

She went back to work without telling anyone about her illness… but because her MS was still in the early stages, it didn’t require a huge lifestyle change. 

 

She was able to live with MS simmering in the background… but a few years later, her symptoms grew stronger, and change became unavoidable.

 

JAMIE: 

I went through a very bad divorce and felt very alone, and then my MS reared its ugly head. Issues with bladder incontinence, with walking… lost my ability to run. And during all this time, I’m filming Sopranos and nobody knows what’s going on with me. This caused me to have to take weeks’ worth of steroids, which affected my mood and my body and my skin.

 

TATYANA: 

All while keeping up appearances on The Sopranos, the biggest show on TV. Fearing that her illness could threaten her job, Jamie kept her MS a closely guarded secret.

 

JAMIE: 

I was having to cover things up and lie a lot. While it seemed like I was handling it great and doing well, the secret was starting to make me harbor these feelings of guilt and shame. And I started to live with the idea that I must have done something wrong and deserved this kind of curse, this disease. I decided that I needed to make a life change.

 

TATYANA: 

So, she sought comfort and support in new relationships, and new ways of thinking.

 

JAMIE: 

I hired a friend who had left show business to become a life coach. So he knew all the ins and outs of what I was going to talk about but had everything else to teach me. And we started to think about what MS could possibly be giving me, as opposed to what it was taking away. And literally in a matter of weeks, I booked a new TV show and I met my husband. Life kind of showed up for me and things started to change.

 

TATYANA: 

Jamie first met her husband through a happy accident.

 

JAMIE: 

Cutter and I met because he was living at my best friend’s house.  My best friend is an actress, Joanna Swisher, and her husband, Nick Swisher, was playing baseball at the time as well. And the two of them were hitting together and training together. And I was always there because she’s my best friend. And it was by no means a setup. I mean, he’s eight years younger than me going to play baseball. I’m a 30-year-old actress figuring out my life, no one was thinking that Jamie and Cutter were going to be a match. And from day one it was it was sparks. And I think because he was leaving three weeks after I met him, there were no games to be played. It was just like, yeah, let’s hang out again, or let’s hang out tomorrow because neither of us thought it would go anywhere. And I would say a week or two in, I was madly in love, and we’re still here today.

 

TATYANA: 

About a year after they met, Cutter and Jamie planned to spend New Year’s in Paris, the city of love. They imagined strolling by the Seine and sipping wine… but things didn’t go as planned.

 

JAMIE: 

As we were packing, I’m vomiting and we are so worried that I’m sick. And my mom says well, “Why don’t you take a pregnancy test?” I’m like, “I’m not pregnant, but okay.” 

And we found out right before I left that I couldn’t indulge in any wine and cheese while in Paris because I was indeed pregnant.

 

TATYANA: 

And to her surprise, Jamie found that her pregnancy actually had positive effects on her illness. It’s not uncommon for MS symptoms to go into remission during pregnancy.

 

JAMIE: 

I was in a really good relationship with my body. It was doing what it was supposed, to without effort from me, it was cooperating with me, it was doing a wonderful, magical, beautiful thing. You would think that having a nine-pound baby pressing on your bladder would further any of your bladder dysfunction, but I didn’t have any issues like that. I was able to walk my dog up and down our hill, nine months pregnant. If I limped a little bit, like it was just the pregnancy waddle. I just didn’t feel like I had to hide anything anymore. I didn’t feel like I had to be so careful of anything anymore. I’m one of those annoying people that says I loved being pregnant.

 

TATYANA: 

Jamie’s first pregnancy wasn’t totally perfect, however. Cutter was on the road a lot playing baseball.

 

JAMIE: 

We were long distance. So I didn’t see him for about two and a half months, because I couldn’t travel.

 

TATYANA: 

So when the due date arrived, Jamie was by herself… waiting. The date came and went, and nothing happened. No contractions. Not dilated.

 

So at 40 weeks, she went to her doctor to ask if she could induce…

 

JAMIE: 

And I remember her saying, like, “Why you’re so frustrated, it’s your first baby,” like, “Let him come out when he’s supposed to. Why do you want to get induced? Why are you so anxious to have this baby?” 

 

I said, “Well, I haven’t seen my fiancé in two and a half months and he has a day off in two days.” So in baseball, you only get two days paternity leave – that includes you flying out, seeing the baby, and coming back. And I was like, I could get three days with him if I went into labor in the next day or two.

 

She was like, “Well, let’s put it up to God. I’m going to call the hospital and see if they had room because you’re fully cooked, you’re ready to have this baby. And we’ll see.” 

 

So I went home that night. And at about five o’clock in the afternoon I got the call from my OB, saying 2am tonight you’re going to check in and you’ll be induced probably in the morning.

 

I checked the score of my husband’s game, because obviously if he was having a good game, I was going to not interrupt it. But I saw you had two strikeouts, so I thought, it’s time to pull him out. And my husband raced in, didn’t shower, hopped on a plane, and we met at the hospital at 2am. And it was a party in my delivery room. It was everything I wanted. It was our best friends, our moms, we were playing music.

 

After about an hour and a half of pushing, I remember looking at my OB and I said, “Can I do this?” 

 

Because if I can’t I’m okay having the baby anyway, I just want him to be safe. Because I always assume that I’m not going to be able to do things because of my MS. And I remember her looking at me and she’s like, “Your MS has nothing to do with this, you’re doing perfect. Push into the light.” 

 

And that was all I needed to hear, and two minutes later he was born.

 

And it was so empowering, I felt so strong, I felt so amazing that I was able to do this, and Beau was born. And then I was left with this little baby trying to figure all this new life out.

 

TATYANA: 

With Cutter back on the road, Jamie and little Beau had to figure it out themselves.

 

JAMIE: 

I didn’t have my mom, I didn’t have my husband, I had a stranger essentially in my home with me in this newborn baby. And he did not take to breastfeeding well, so it took about two weeks to latch, to get it down. Not only was it sleepless, but it was messy. And it was a lot of crying on both our parts. And it was really difficult. There was no euphoria. There was no magical moment for me, I think just because I felt really alone and I was ashamed. And I was embarrassed that things weren’t going well. So I wasn’t talking about it with people. And I was definitely dealing with postpartum. It was definitely not like that blissful newborn time for me at all.

 

But once Cutter got home, and once him and I got into the swing of things, they did get better. And after my son was born, I used that time in my life as an excuse to just focus on my husband’s career and take a step away from mine.

 

TATYANA: 

She embraced motherhood and family. At home she didn’t have to explain her illness. It was safe to be herself. It was a relief not to lie or pretend nothing was wrong for fear of losing acting work… But after a while, she felt like something was missing.

 

JAMIE: 

There was this other part of me as a performer that I really needed to take notice of again and pay attention to. But I realized if I was going to do that, I needed to be open and honest about my MS.

 

TATYANA: 

She had never felt like it was the right time…

 

JAMIE: 

I always used to fantasize about the idea of, once I’m healed, or once I’m better, then I talk about it. I’ll talk about all these years of struggle, but like, look at me now. Because I just felt like, what good is it to talk about it while I’m going through it?

 

People around would be like, “This is a wonderful thing that you’re going to be doing for people.” And I would get angry because I felt like that’s not my purpose. That’s not what I want to be – I don’t want to be the poster child for MS. I’m an actress, I don’t want to be always known for this.

 

But at the same time, I realized I always wished that there was someone that I could just relate to that was living the way I was living. And obviously, nobody was doing that at the time in the public eye. And maybe I had to be that person.

 

TATYANA: 

She finally decided to go public with her diagnosis when she realized what keeping silent meant for Beau.

 

JAMIE: 

What kind of message would I be sending to him as he got older that I was going to be asking him to keep this secret for me, that I wasn’t deserving of opportunity or love or respect, because I had the MS? 

 

You know, we try and teach our kids that they can be anything they want. And anything that makes them different makes them special, and that everybody’s deserving of opportunity and love. And here was my chance to really show him that. I know to this day that it was the best decision I’ve ever made.

 

TATYANA: 

Stories about the impact her truth had on people started pouring in from every corner.

 

JAMIE: 

Just to feel like just being honest and open with your life could possibly make sort of any impact or change for other people… I hate to say it, but almost makes it all worth it. Because… this is my one lifetime as Jamie, and I want to do something good with it.

 

TATYANA: 

Life was going great for Jamie. Her symptoms were under control, she no longer had to hide her diagnosis, and she could focus her attention on raising her son, Beau.

 

About four years later, she and Cutter decided to have another baby. But this time, her pregnancy was not what she expected. 

 

JAMIE: 

I expected it to be like the first where I was in like this like glorious remission, and I was going to be feeling great. And it wasn’t exactly that. But also, I was also taking care of a toddler. So it wasn’t like I had all the time to take the naps, and lay down and relax.

 

TATYANA: 

Jamie’s second pregnancy, coupled with the duties of raising a toddler, left her drained and exhausted.

 

And things got even more hectic when she brought her younger son home from the hospital.

 

Between feeding her hungry newborn, supporting her busy husband, and keeping up with a precocious five-year-old… plus managing her own chronic illness – Jamie was spread too thin.

 

JAMIE: 

Nursing around the clock, pumping around the clock. I was burning the candle at both ends… anyone without MS would have been exhausted. But somebody with MS… it was really starting to affect my symptoms. My body was doing what I wanted it to do in the sense of producing milk. And so I didn’t even care about the way that my body was suffering, I just wanted to give everything to my baby.

 

TATYANA: 

Her symptoms got worse at a faster rate… it wasn’t safe to hold off on her medications any longer. But, that meant giving up breastfeeding.

 

JAMIE: 

I kept asking for an extension, and extension, because the breastfeeding was going so well, and I didn’t want to stop. Just the idea that my body was really working for me and doing what I wanted it to do. Even though that was happening, my MS was, like, making another decision for me. And so I had to go back on my medication. 

 

And then he was struggling with new food and having a bad tummy and having a lot of reflux. And so he was crying more and sleeping less. And so it’s just like this whole trickle-down effect. Those are the moments where I still get kind of frustrated. I wish my body would just show up for me right now.

 

[Music]

 

TATYANA: 

Now that her disease was interfering with the relationship with her children, she had had it. And she did what a lot of us do when we’re feeling alone – she opened Instagram.

 

JAMIE: 

When you’re vulnerable, it actually is a sign of strength, and it’s a sign of power. And so I decided to take that moment where I was feeling really emotional and vulnerable and post about it.

 

TATYANA: 

She wrote…

 

JAMIE: 

All my fellow mommies that deal with MS, or anything that causes them to have to make choices they didn’t necessarily want to, this is for you. I’m having to stop breastfeeding soon so I can get back on meds. The truth is, the toll of two kids and a newborn lifestyle is not the easiest on me, and I need some help. What sucks is that I live with a disease that makes decisions for me a lot. And with breastfeeding, I took such pride that I was able to do something really awesome with this body that I am constantly at war with. This little guy’s tummy is struggling with the formula. And I know we will both be fine, but I’m emotionally having to deal with the guilt and sadness that’s coming along with weaning us both off this magical time. Any advice for my fellow mommies and how this can be any easier?

 

TATYANA: 

And then she hit send.

 

JAMIE: 

I could not believe the response to that post and how many people wrote me. I read every single comment. The mommy community is so strong out there, and you need the support, you need that village. When I had my first son, I didn’t talk about the hardships. I didn’t talk about things that were difficult. And it made it a much darker time, I think, than it needed to be. And so I decided to make a change with Jack, my youngest.  And it made things better. I truly, truly felt supported in that moment.

 

TATYANA: 

She found a community of other moms who were looking for support too. It made her feel less alone.

 

JAMIE: 

Just knowing that other people go through it, just makes you feel exponentially better. You don’t feel so isolated… you don’t feel so cursed. Other people that are good people have to go through it too.

 

[Music]

 

MS feels sometimes like my best friend in the way that I don’t really know my who I am without it. I have conversations with it in therapy where I will understand that while it can’t exactly be erased from my life at the moment, I would like it to be more in the backseat as opposed to the driver’s seat.

 

TATYANA: 

She has realized the hardest part is deciding where to spend her limited energy to get the most out of a day.

 

JAMIE: 

I have my gas tank for the day. And I have to allocate where my energy can go to. For instance, you know, on a weekend where I’ve got both kids home and activities and sports, and I want to have them have as full a day as possible. But also be aware that I need some breaks sometimes, and also aware of my physical abilities and disabilities. If I want to take my kids to a park, because it’s a beautiful day, I need to go to a park that’s gated because I can’t run after them. I try to go to ones that have more sand and rubbery surfaces because I can’t quickly catch them if they fall, or chase them. Or if it’s a time where it like, you know, all his friends are going to the zoo and it’s 100 degrees out, I’ve got to ask my nanny to take him. And those are the moments that really suck to be honest, because I want to be there. I want to experience that with him. But I can’t handle it.

 

You know, there have been many times that I’ve waved goodbye with a smile on my face and closed the door and then just cried because I can’t experience all of that with him. But the truth is that I can’t let my disease stop him from having all the experiences that he wants. And I have to just value that when he comes home, I’m completely recharged and ready to do other things with him like Legos, or coloring, or swimming.

 

With any chronic illness, it’s never your disease, it’s your whole family’s disease.

 

TATYANA: 

Her MS factored into Cutter’s decision to retire from professional sports.

 

JAMIE: 

He made the decision two and a half years ago to retire from baseball at 27 years old. While that’s very young in the world, it’s kind of getting older in the baseball world. And I think with me having MS and having a young boy at home, and me sacrificing my career, he just felt like it was the best decision to retire. And it was a hard one to make, I think, for everyone but of course, especially him. But it’s just the person that he is… he puts us first.

 

TATYANA: 

Caring for a spouse with a chronic illness can be a delicate balance.

 

JAMIE: 

I think he can feel very helpless at times because there’s nothing physically that he can do. 

 

More than anything, the lesson I’ve had to teach him in dealing with me having a chronic illness is that it can’t be the focus all the time. While I appreciate the love and the care and the thoughtfulness and the worry, even, that he has for me, sometimes I need him to back off. And sometimes I need him to just look at me like his wife. 

 

I don’t want to be asked all the time how I’m feeling… I don’t want to be asked all the time, like, “Do you need to sit down?” I’ve had to have the hard conversations with him. And sometimes I’m frustrated. And sometimes I’m calm, and I have them. But I’m just saying like, I will tell you if I need something. Right now, I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to think about it. The truth of the matter is I’m never not thinking about it, because I’m always feeling what I’m feeling inside this body. But I’ve learned how to live with it. And sometimes I just want to be distracted.

 

TATYANA: 

For mothers – especially moms with chronic conditions – self-care is incredibly important.

 

JAMIE: 

We become these martyrs because we think we have to sacrifice every little bit of us for the sake of this baby. And while yes, it’s very hard as mothers to relinquish the control and the responsibility. But especially when you’re living with something chronic, you have to give yourself those moments. You can call it self-care, but I think it goes beyond that. Because it’s actually vital for your health to take those moments for you.

 

TATYANA: 

Jamie also loves watching the people her kids are becoming. Her 5-year-old Beau, the first born, takes after his dad in the athletic department…

 

JAMIE: 

He is very into ice hockey and baseball, which keeps us very busy – primarily me during the week as his mom, shuffling him around to his practices and whatnot. But he’s a super passionate kid. It’s really cool to see him be so young and care so much and try so hard at something… it reminds me a lot of myself.

 

TATYANA: 

One day when he was a toddler, Jamie was playing living room baseball with him, throwing the ball, and watching him run…

 

JAMIE: 

And that was easy. I could pitch the ball. He’d hit it in our living room, I’d get it, do it again. I mean, like literally, over and over and over again. But when he would say, “Mommy, you run the bases,” or, “Mommy runs now.” I have to say, “Mommy can’t run, baby.” He was okay with it. He was like, “Okay, my mom just can’t run.”

 

TATYANA: 

But as he got older he started to ask more questions…

 

JAMIE: 

When he got to about, I want to say, three and a half, four years old… he said to me one day, “Why can’t you run?” And I said, “Well, mommy has something called MS.” And he said, “Well, what’s that?” And I said, “Well, it’s like, mommy’s sick but all the time. But just in her legs, does that make sense?” And he’s like, “No.” 

 

“It’s kind of hard to explain exactly why. But basically, mommy just has something that makes her a little sick in her legs. And they don’t work as well as everybody else’s. That doesn’t mean mommy doesn’t try or mommy can’t be there. We just have to figure out other ways to do it together.”

 

Kids, they really just accept things at face value. They don’t need much of an explanation, especially when they’re young, because they really accept you for who you are. And they accept things for what they are. It almost makes you, like, stop in your tracks and think like, why can’t it always be like that?

 

When we’re walking anywhere and he sees a staircase, he immediately stops and waits and puts his hand out for me. A hand for some reason gives my brain the idea that I’m balanced. Then his little hand is enough. When we go on dates, just the two of us to movies, and we have to park far away, he will hold my hand the whole time. He will stop and sit with me if we need to. 

 

There’s many times where I’ll feel bad or worry about things that my MS could take away from his life. But I also think that it’s making him an empathetic kid and really aware as a little boy, of other people and their abilities, and really accepting, and I just… I’m really proud of the little boy that he’s becoming.

 

Look, there’s things that can cut like a knife too, though. He loves to play soccer in our front hallway because it’s really long, and he plays with his dad, he plays with his nanny, and one day the baby was sleeping and I saw him kind of kicking around the ball. I was like, “Can I try with you?” He’s like, “No, you can’t Mommy, you’re not that good at sports anymore. I know you used to play sports, but you can’t. It’s okay, we’ll do something else.” And while he’s right… I mean, it bums me out. But I realized, I feel like I might have to explain a lot less than what my adult mind thinks I have to. Because they love me for who I am.

 

TATYANA: 

Jamie has wrestled enough with MS to realize that if she can take care of herself, she can handle anything.

 

JAMIE: 

It’s almost just a shift in perspective. That I was just looking at life differently. And I think that that’s been the biggest gift that MS has given me, is my foundation of who I am, and my belief system, and how I look at life.

 

Yes, there are adjustments that need to be made at times. But if this is how I have to live the rest of my life, it’s okay.

 

TATYANA: 

At the end of the day, she’s learned that being there for her kids – as she is – is enough.

 

JAMIE: 

The funny thing that I’m learning about being a parent is that our kids really come into this world who they are. They really enter with their story, their personality. And our main job as parents, at least I believe, is to give them a moral compass, and teach them to be kind and aware and empathetic.

 

TATYANA: 

Jamie, of course, isn’t the only member of the family with lessons to teach.

 

JAMIE: 

To be honest. I mean, my kids also push me beyond what I think my limits are, I’ll take my baby out in the stroller, and I think I can only make it like three or four blocks. But if he’s enjoying himself, I’ll keep going and realize I did 10 blocks, and it’s okay. And we’ll have to sit down and watch the cars for a little while. And then I’ll walk back, you know, and he made me realize I can walk a lot further than I thought I could. 

 

I’m realizing that I can do maybe a lot more than I thought. And I think if anything my kids have given me more confidence than I have ever had in my life. Because that level of unconditional love… I am enough for them no matter what kind of physical day I’m having. They always need me – my emotional support, my love, my hugs. That is endless, and that they can have all the time.

TATYANA: 

Thanks to Jamie-Lynn Sigler for sharing her story today. 

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This podcast was produced by FannieCo with March of Dimes and Purpose.

Music by Blue Dot Sessions, recording services by Nightbird Studios in West Hollywood, and Outpost Studios in San Francisco, California. 

Thank you for listening.